The path to healing is through pain, not around.
I’ve done a good deal of research in fields of trauma, grief and self compassion. In a past life, I worked as a volunteer crisis counselor for survivors of sexual assault. I continue to work with people coping with immense pain and suffering in their primary relationships via online forums and group meetups.
Every psychology expert I’ve read talks about paths to healing being through pain, not around it. When we avoid difficult conversations, when we take up mindless habits, when we fail to tell the truth – or worse, when we lie – we are prolonging and compounding the challenges of life. Suffering is an inevitable consequence of being.
In military circles, the source of so much biz speak, we hear the hoorah phrase, “Embrace the suck.” There is something uplifting and liberating about accepting one’s fate and acknowledging life is inherently difficult.
It’s good to see these ideas manifest within the solutions-selling methods of Zigler, Boress, Sandler and Kaplan. They’re fundamentally bound in sympathy (too often confused with empathy) for the person with whom we meet. That’s why I’ve never totally identified as a salesman or a support rep or marketer or product guru.
Client discovery calls are personal encounters with a genuine dose of vulnerability. At some level, people are laying themselves open to criticism. They’re admitting past mistakes, hasty decisions, lost time and money and effort.
What a privilege it is for us to be present in these moments! We can listen without judgement, offer words of understanding, encouragement and affirmation. We can be healers of sorts through insightful questions and consultation and genuine hope for a better way. We’re poised to help with an amazing offering from preeminent experts facing hard problems head on. We go through the pain, not around it.
Force Management is a sales training methodology leading me to examine a couple areas of personal improvement around the mindset of pain. I’ll share a couple of personal journal notes I took during the course…
- Patience. I often see the end solution very quickly, whether that is with a buyer, or with an internal team process. When I encounter resistance or disagreement, I’m prone to discouragement or taking slow action personally. I need to hedge against the presumption that I’m right. I need to be open to what this person might teach me, and think creatively about working together. When I fail to do this, I’m opening myself up to being misunderstood, cocksure, and perceived as not being a team player.
- Naiveté. I can be overly positive to a fault. I make assumptions that people see things as I do, and will behave as I would. When they do not, I feel frustrated, disappointed or even betrayed. I need to hedge against hyper optimism with a dose of healthy skepticism. Honest questions like, “How can this fail?” and Think-Says-Feels-Does empathy maps can offer helpful perspective. When I fail to do this, I’m opening myself up to sliding toward animosity, resentment and contempt.
Magic happens when we let people open up. Simply by listening and playing back what we hear, we set ourselves apart. In the din of work, at all levels across verticals and within disciplines, people have an almost desperate need to be heard, to feel understood. “I hear you” and “What I heard you say” are powerful connectors.
We may not always win the deal, but neither do we lose.
Feature image is Mary Magdalene as Melancholy by Artemesia Gentileschi (1622-25) in the Museo Sumaya, Mexico City. Gentileschi is recognized as master in an era when few women had the opportunity for artistic training.